By: Sarah Burton | March 18, 2016 12:01 am
Whether you just got fired, or saw an unbelievably little dog, we know you’re gonna cry in public. Here’s how to do it without anyone knowing why.
Some people are monsters without souls; the rest of us are easy criers. But just because we cry easily doesn’t mean we want everyone to notice. Cry in fear no more: Here are 18 simple ways to cry in public without anyone asking why.
1. Hide your tears behind big sunglasses:
Recommended for: When you get emotional after looking at a beautiful sunset.
2. Blame your watery eyes on a sudden cold.
Recommended for: You know when you’re just so tired that you start crying? This is really good for that.
3. Push your hair in front of your face to pull off that emo look.
Recommended for: When you remember that picture of a dog you saw on the internet. The dog’s legs weren’t working so it had to use a doggy wheelchair. It was so cute but it was also so sad.
4. Put on a mask and cry inside it.
Recommended for: Those times you get so drunk you start crying about pretty much anything.
5. Pull the wool over people’s eyes by pulling the wool over your eyes.
Recommended for: When you’re already late to work and there was traffic on the way there and then when you get to the office the elevator is really slow.
6. Fall over suddenly and scream, “Ow me leg!”
Recommended for: This strategy is really good for when you drop your iPhone. Like right after you bend down and find out that your screen is totally cracked.
7. Open a sad video on YouTube and pretend that’s why you’re crying.
Recommended for: When you’re browsing Facebook and you find out you’re the last of your friends to not yet be engaged.
8. Put on swim goggles and tell everyone you just started taking adult swim lessons.
Recommended for: When you’re laughing with your friends and one of them tells a joke so funny that you start crying.
9. Find a large object to hide behind.
Recommended for: When you see an elderly person eating by themselves in the park and you know they definitely live alone, probably because their spouse is dead.
10. Chalk it up to seasonal allergies.
Recommended for: When someone asks, “Are you OK?” and you break down crying because no one has asked you that in a really, really long time. You’re not sure if you’re crying because you aren’t OK or if you’re just touched by the fact that you have a friend that cares about your well-being — either way, it’s pretty strange you are crying over such a common question, so just pretend it’s seasonal allergies.
11. Act like your sports team just lost the big game.
Recommended for: When you finish the finale of your favorite show while at work. You’re upset it’s over, but also realize you shouldn’t have been watching TV at work. But you know what is acceptable work banter? Sports! So just tell everyone your sports team lost. Literally make up any name for a team. The Socks. The Gorlocks. The Manatees. It’s probably a sports team somewhere. Bonus points for turning your running mascara into eye black.
12. Pull out an onion and start cutting.
Recommended for: When your boyfriend breaks up with you at a restaurant. Don’t give him the pleasure of thinking that you’re upset and that you’ll miss him. Tell him you “don’t care” and slice up a big ass onion to explain the tears.
13. Claim you’re getting mentally prepared to ski down a black diamond.
Recommended for: When you hear a sad song for the first time. Sure, “Christmas Shoes” might be obnoxious, but it also tugs at those heart strings. Don’t let people know it’s making you cry. Instead, hide your teary eyes behind a ski mask. People will think you are a very good skier with expert focus.
14. Hide your puffy skin with blush and tell everyone you’ve got a bad sunburn.
Recommended for: When you’ve just spent the last half hour in a stall with your face head tucked between your legs trying to push out a toxic food baby. You’re crying, sweating, and your face is pink. Hell, it’s 2016, and you know how to lean in. Splatter your face with blush and make it extremely red. When you go back out and face your coworkers, you can do it with your head held high and face fake-sunburned.
15. Spread food all over your face to hide your tears.
Recommended for: When you just got reprimanded for losing last week’s Thompson Reports. Spreading food all over your face serves two purposes: It diverts attention from your tears, and is also disgusting enough that no one will want to look at you.
16. Attribute your wet face to shoving your head under the water cooler.
Recommended for: When you don’t want to explain to your coworkers that you’re crying because you just realized that your old dog Sparky did not actually go to a farmhouse in the Vermont. Here you were, working hard and saving up to go visit Sparky one day, when you find out that “going to a farmhouse” is a euphemism for dying. That sucks. Run to the nearest water cooler and make your face wet. People will think it’s super weird, but at least they won’t think you’re crying.
17. Take your shirt off.
Recommended for: When you get an email from your grandmother that she’s voting for Trump. Honestly, you’re not sure whether you’re crying because you’re upset about Trump or just proud she finally learned to use email, but either way, you’re crying. If you take your top off, misogynists will gawk and feminists will applaud your bravery; neither will notice the tears streaming down your face.
18. Divert attention from yourself by setting a fire.
Recommended for: When you just got fired. You have to go back out and face your coworkers. A fire serves two purposes: It diverts attention away from you while punishing the company that dared to fire you.
Read more: http://www.buzzfeed.com/sarahburton/the-waah-waaaaah-guide#.pj8wYY6110